Month: August 2012

I’m in agony. I don’t know how to occupy this apartment, or my life. There’s a horrible Buddy-vacuum and it’s so painful being in it. I’m going to wait a few months, and then make a tribute movie to Buddy. I don’t think it would be a good idea to start working on it right away.

For now, the picture below is of Buddy resting after one of his favorite past times, eating books. Also, here are links to a movie of him beginning to destroy a book, and another, causing general desk destruction.

I sang to him this morning, before the vet came. The cats actually never really seemed to like my singing so I picked a small section from Randall Thompson’s The Peaceable Kingdom, and I sang it very quietly. But the words say exactly what I want to be true. It’s from the bible (but adapted by Thompson).

For ye shall go out with joy, joy, joy,
and be led forth with peace:
the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing,
and all the trees of the fields shall clap their hands.

That’s what I used to tell him (and Finney), that all the world and the universe celebrate and rejoice in their existence. Goodbye my little Buddy. I will love you forever.

He was always there. This is why losing pets is in some ways worse than losing people. They are much more present, weirdly. (Please note I am saying “in some ways.” Losing people is harder in other ways, of course.) Also, you feel so responsible for them. Oh God. Oh God. Another scar on my heart. I don’t believe life will ever be as good without him in it. (Yes, I know how that sounds. I know I will be happy again, but there will always be a hole, where he once was.)

I took this on November 17, 2011. I’m so grateful iPhoto keeps track of dates.

Unfortunately, I’m not seeing any improvement from the new chemo. He’s gaining a little weight, but that’s because I’m feeding him every 2 or 3 hours. The oncologist said it might take three days to see a difference, and that’s tomorrow.

I’m hoping against hope to see a change when I wake up tomorrow, but, well, his prognosis was never good. Honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Ugh. I forced myself to go swimming, I haven’t left the house in days except to take Buddy to the vet. I had to stop after 25 minutes though. Obviously I was taking no pleasure in it. I feel better though, in spite of all the heart ache. Exercise really does make a difference.

This was my view on 11th Street thirty years ago, except I was looking across from the third floor and this is shot at street level. The family on the third floor had a rope swing in the middle of the living room and I remember seeing a little girl happily swinging back and forth. She also took ballet lessons and sometimes danced around in the same spot. Wow, so that little kid is in her thirties now. I wonder if she grew up to be a dancer.

Because Buddy is in such bad shape, instead of going for something really heavy duty right now, the oncologist started Buddy on a stronger form of the same chemo he’s already on. If he does well, we’ll move up to a more powerful drug.

I should start seeing results in three days. Because it’s a similar chemo it might not do anything. If it doesn’t then that’s that, because the oncologist doesn’t think he can tolerate anything else at this point. The oncologist also wanted to hospitalize Buddy for two days to give him iv fluids, and I passed on that and will instead give him sub-q fluids at home. It’s not ideal, but hospitalizing him was another level of misery I couldn’t heap on Buddy and the doctor said he couldn’t guarantee it would make much of a difference. Buddy also needs a lot of meds and he has to eat whether he wants to or not, but I can manage all of that.

I’m glad I’m doing this. I still feel sick and stressed, but I also have just a slight feeling of being at peace, from making sure I’m doing what I can without going overboard and causing him more distress. So far nothing I’m doing is overly hard on him, except for the vet trip, which is not horrible.

A nice young man feeding birds across the street from The Kills book signing yesterday.

I walked by a long line of young people lined up for a book signing on the block before my apartment. “Who’s signing books?” “The Kills.” “Uh-huh. Thanks.” Had to google them when I got home. The kid knew I had no clue.

I’m taking Buddy to an oncologist in the morning. I tried to resist this step, but I just know I will never forgive myself if I don’t explore every option. Goodbye savings. In the meantime, I am a wreck and a zombie.

People on line for The Kills book signing. The pulled back view below.

By the way, this is happening at the Marc Jacobs bookstore. Yes, you heard right. The Marc Jacobs bookstore. I’m sure they would never in a million years stock any of my books, but that’s okay. They specialize in art books mostly.