I Can’t Comprehend Time

I wonder if I’m alone in this? One of the things I’ve been doing since Buddy died is obsessing about all the decisions I made about his care and what I could have done differently. It’s insane but it’s a common response to death.

Then I thought, ‘What if I had somehow managed to buy him a couple more months?’ Let’s say it’s October and he’s just died. What would I have gained? What would he have gained? I think it would feel like those two months never happened. Don’t get me wrong, I would give anything for two more months, I’m just saying that had I gotten them, in October I would not be appreciating them, I’d be exactly where I am now.

The only response is what we’re always told to do: appreciate the moment you have now. IE, in October, those two months wouldn’t do me any good. But they would have been great as they happened.

A Ted Talk that made me feel happy for a few minutes.

Some photographs that blew my mind for a few minutes.

Yesterday I asked Finney, “Who’s the cutest cat in the whole wide world?” In the past, whenever I’ve asked him this I always followed it with, “You are! Tied with Buddy, of course.” But yesterday it was just, “You are.”

Stacy Horn

I've written six non-fiction books, the most recent is Damnation Island: Poor, Sick, Mad, and Criminal in 19th-Century New York.

View all posts by Stacy Horn →

6 thoughts on “I Can’t Comprehend Time

  1. furry bellyrubs do help… finney reminds me very much of Bucky from “Get Fuzzy” comic strips in this picture…

  2. Time, It takes time. I can see you going through all the different scenarios (quite common).
    Please be gentle with yourself. Sending healing energy your way.


  3. As Michael said above, it does take time…not to get over the loss, but to make peace with it and to accept it without blame. I have a plastic baggy in one of my kitchen drawers full of all of the bottles of the left over drugs that I wasn’t able to give my beloved Murphy Cat to restore his health. Somehow, seeing them comforts me…to know that I tried valiantly to still have him with me. You too did everything you could Stacy. You’ll always miss Buddy. Guess that’s the way it’s supposed to be when we lose those we love. Thinking of you.

  4. Fake it ’till you feel it: put Katrina and the Waves on the record player, crank it all the way to 11, and dance.

  5. Karen, I’ve seen that cat movie before, it’s WONDERFUL, thanks for the link.

    Thank you all for your continued condolences. As always, it’s nice not to feel like a crazy person because I was so attached.

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