Stacy Horn

I’ve been afraid to post because I’m just so ridiculously attached to my cats and I’m concerned that I might sound, well, ridiculous. I’ve also been avoiding taking pictures of Buddy because he’s not looking his best, and I thought I shouldn’t record him now in order to allow these images to fade later.

But today he’s rallied a little bit and so I took a shot. He’s seriously jaundiced but it doesn’t show up so much in this photograph, I don’t think anyway. I think he looks beautiful. You’d never know he had small cell gastrointestinal lymphoma, and now large cell lymphoma, with involvement in his liver, spleen and kidneys, and forget his blood tests results. Everything you don’t want elevated is elevated.

But just in case someone comes along whose cat was recently diagnosed with small cell gastrointestinal lymphoma, do not despair. My cat has had this for close to three years. You might still have your cat around for a long time yet.

All the tests came back with the worst possible results all the way down the line. There’s nothing more to do but wait, and pick the right time. I’m so destroyed I don’t really know what to say right now. Everything in life gets easier to cope with over time except this, apparently.

I’m a wreck, but I’m trying not to be a wreck and be there for Buddy, to help him through the worst thing every creature alive must face. Why did he have to face it so soon? He’s only 12. Why do I never have cats who live to 18 or more?? Every time I look at him my heart breaks. Insane, I know.

Finney, thankfully, is oblivious. He just wants to end the life of some poor sweet pigeon.

I should have results from most of Buddy’s tests today. He has lost weight, he’s jaundiced on top of everything else, so, not good. But maybe treatable, so I’m going to try to wait to hear before panicking. He doesn’t seem to be in pain. At all. And he’s eating.

I was listening to Bing Crosby sing “It’s Been a Long, Long Time,” yesterday. Although I read that apparently he wasn’t the nicest guy in the world, I find his singing voice enormously comforting. You’d think this was a tender guy, who sang his children to sleep, but I don’t think he was that guy. (Or so I’ve read.) Still, I want to buy more Bing Crosby all of a sudden.

On the way to the vet. Everyone stops for the cute puppy, and ignores the cat in the carrier.

I’d planned to talk about religion and science. I have a million examples (endless really) of religion refusing to accept evidence right in front of their face (evolution, global warming) but fewer or science, although they certainly exist. And I wanted to talk about the Temple Foundation again, an organization that says it seeks to bring the two sides together (religion and science).

But then I woke up and Buddy had stopped eating again, and that was that for my day. He’s scheduled for an ultra-sound on Monday. Meanwhile, I gave him sub-q fluids, some Pepcid, and he just ate a little so I feel up to a brief post. To explain my absence, basically.

On my way to pick up a variety of foods to get Buddy to eat, I stopped at a church to interview a guy who works there who had rescued a pigeon who was caught in a tree in front of the church. I asked him if he felt like a hero, thinking he wouldn’t admit to something like that, but he said, “Yeah. I did.” To help a creature who is in trouble feels good, no doubt about it.

Pigeons in a city fountain.

I went out for a walk last night to see if I could catch some filming of the show White Collar, which was supposed to be happening a few blocks from where I live. But there was no filming to be had, and I made the HUGE mistake of wearing jeans and when I got home I was way over-heated.

I decided to go for a swim. The City gym I go to has a “Night Owl Swim,” from 7 to 8:30 and I’ve always been curious about what it might be like to swim in the evening. It was quite lovely. Unfortunately, they stopped the swim at 8:15, when it starts to get dark, defeating the whole purpose of a “Night Owl Swim.” I wanted to see what it was like to swim with the night sky overhead. Still, that hour had a nice feel to it. The only downside for me was, the night swimmers are very serious swimmers. No one talked to each other. I like the more social morning and afternoon swims.

I took this in the meat market, after my White Collar disappointment. That’s the High Line, and the Hudson River in the background, and I think Sex and the City shot an episode at Pastis. I think it might have been in the last episode.